Ben Hamilton
November 7th, 2017

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It was quite possibly the riskiest gambit in the history of international relations (photo: Orthuberra)

There was a time when you could drunkenly call up companies and complain for the sake of it. That’s right – another human being would actually pick up the phone and speak to you.

Railway operators, TV companies, German manufacturers of combination ovens … it wasn’t a proper night on the razzle if it didn’t end with somebody from your party gently haranguing a weary shift worker.

So pity today’s generation, reared on number menus, 25-minute long queues and easy listening music – no wonder so many drunken calls are resorting to other forms of communication.

Graciously asking for Greenland
Joe from America – no relation to GI, cup of, or say it ain’t so – has recently shared on the Bored Panda website his unusual email application to the Danish government and the unexpected reply he received.

Joe from Salem, Oregon – not to be confused with the one in Massachusetts where they burn witches, trolls and other figures of fantasy – asked for permission to borrow the “country” of Greenland.

“My job put me right around the poverty line, so purchasing any large plot of land would be vastly unreasonable,” he contended, pointing out that he believed he had adequate “managerial experience” and a friend of his the necessary “charisma and courage”.

“After a brief couple reconnaissance searches, rum-brain decided that this gigantic island wasn’t profitable enough for Denmark and thought that it would be polite, nay, GRACIOUS of me to take it off their hands,” he continued.

“I mean, one less thing to worry about for them, right?”

Previous experience managing 5+ employees
The email started off formally enough: “My name is Joe, I’m 23, and my friend and I are looking to own a country. Now, since we’re young, we wanted to start out small and wanted to make sure that it was okay with the former owner of that country. We don’t want to make any mistakes and end up driving such a fine country into ruin.”

And like any application, it included relevant experience: ‘I’ve PERSONALLY overseen about 5+ people for a few years in one of the United States’ 50 largest privately-owned commercial suppliers. Nothing on the scale of a country, but … like smaller, more intricate managing.”

Unusually, perhaps, Joe also offered an autograph of an obscure musician to sweeten the deal, along with several cans of soft drink and his personal collection of Rolling Stone magazine, providing he could read them all first. And he was also open to exchanging Xbox games.

Jog on, job available
Joe wasn’t expecting a written reply from the Danish Foreign Ministry. And he certainly wasn’t expecting one so reasoned and polite.

Greenland isn’t a country, he was informed, it’s an autonomous Danish territory. No sarcasm, and not even a dig at all Americans being terrible at geography!

“We like the fact that you dream big. And you never know if your dreams one day are going to come true,” the reply read. “But in the matter of us giving you Greenland, it is not possible. But thank you for asking.”

The email then suggested an alternative: “Here is a job on Greenland where they are looking for a guy who can teach the pupils English. That could be you! Good luck finding a suitable country. Kind regards!”

A decent proposal
When Joe woke up, he was initially worried to discover an email from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Denmark in his inbox, but then the previous night’s shenanigans came flooding back.

“I was immediately terrified; had I broken laws?” he wrote. “What law did I break? What was Denmark jail like? Did they serve those pastries in Danish jail?”

Joe is now seriously considering applying for the job in Greenland. With months ahead of no daylight, he’ll have plenty of time to burn the midnight oil and plot future territory acquisition.